Being forced to change is draining away the force in me. Forced to move because of the rise in rental rates, I’ve again, felt the fear of change, especially in downgrading. I’ve learned to be fearful ever since I was growing up, I’ve learned to be sad, I’ve learned to sulk. No matter how much I was beaten, scolded and nagged at, they have not instigated any change in me. Rather, it had reinforced my learned emotions. Having lived with the grumpy version of me for so long, it’s difficult to see another version of me come to light. I’ve had wishes to be positive, to be that positive force for myself and others, to see that a brighter and hopeful future is possible and that there is a possibility that things might change for the better. After all, the possibility of things changing for the worse has materialised, so why not the other way? There is always a glum reply to the planted positivity ; because the other way is harder. It requires less effort to walk down the stairs than to climb up the stairs. It’s just the way of this world, this stupid realm.
But then I came across this article. Just as I have learned negative emotions, I can learn to be positive too ! Yes, it just requires more effort, that’s all. How do I put in more effort to learn to be happy when what I’ve learned is sucking the force out of me?
Meditation is the answer. I need to make an effort. Trouble is, it’s so overwhelming, i don’t know where to start. It’s a constant battle inside ; do it, later, do it, but, just do it, I’m so tired, just f****** do it !, Zzzzz