Self torture

dog meditateSitting around, unable to fall asleep, I unwittingly checked out the facebook profile of my ex. Happy family, laughing kids, smiling wife, a good time …. pain welled up in my heart. Next I browsed another profile that continued to expand that pain. I can never compare to that, I can never be that talented, I can never do the things she does. Talent, I have none, activities, I don’t do, compassion, not even a drop, survival is my only concern.

Thoughts that I am not on par with both profiles swam around in my mind. All I saw was what I didn’t have and they have what I don’t have. Why am I such a substandard being? The more I looked and saw, the more insomniac I became. Honestly, why do I end up torturing myself at the end of an exhausting day ? Is this supposed to encourage me to push and motivate myself to get a better life? Or is this a self inflicted sickness that is addictive ?

This must be self conceit. The ego is exceptionally focused on self , thereby enlarging its importance. Good or bad, what does it matter? So long as the attention is fixated on the self.

If he has a sad and depressing life, does that make mine any better? It just gives the ego a chance to express some schadenfreude comments – serves you right for dumping me ! If i have the same talents, activities and compassion as she does, would I be able to hold that same place in his heart? Most likely not. She is, who she is to him and I can never hope to be where she is, in his heart. As painful as it is, this is the fact, this is the reality of the situation. Sometimes, destiny played so big a role, it was difficult to ignore and brush off its significance. I didn’t want to believe in destiny, yet, she made it impossible for me not to believe in her.

May all of us, be free from torturous thoughts and actions. May all of us, conjure up thoughts of generosity and loving kindness.


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