So easily frustrated, pressured, angered, triggered to say the least. I feel like a balloon being blown to the max. Any requests, problems could be the needle that pops me. It’s very stressful. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere or see anybody. Just wanna lie here and vegetate.
The attachments have gotten stronger and stronger when it should have gotten weaker and weaker. Could watching dramas be fueling and strengthening the attachments ? Could facebook be one of the culprits too ? Looking at other shiny happy people… all the friends they have, the happiness in them, I begin to wonder how in the hell did I drop to this pathetic level. Perhaps there are certain beliefs that have been made stronger unconsciously. But dramas offer me a chance of escapism that I feel I so need. I want to escape, but escaping could be the very thing that is making things worse.
Too much expectations. Much too much expectations on myself. Every day, thoughts of uselessness, hopelessness and fearfulness saturate my mind. Why does whatever I do go wrong ? Why do other people not like me ? Why are they treating me this way ? Why are they bullying me ? Why have I turned out this way ? Why do other people take advantage of me. Yep, it’s all me, me, and me. These thoughts roam my mind as and when they like. They tire me. I’m sick of thinking like that, but yet, everything that happens seem to reinforce those thoughts. The negativity is sucking the energy out of me. I’m too tired to work, too tired to talk, too tired to deal with other people, but not too tired to watch dramas because it entails no effort, other than crying and laughter. To be able to be completely sucked into the drama world is like living in a dream. I float through the days, making them less difficult to get through. The crying relieves the pressure I have inside.
Where is the spot that breaks the spiral ?