I try very hard to not be calculative…. but at times, it’s just so difficult. Mostly because there are limits to everything ; limited time, limited energy, limited attention span, limited resources and what most people who know me would agree with me, limited grey matter.
I realise to many people, I have limited grey matter and to one particular person, I probably have zero. I, of course, am disappointed with myself as I actually had pretty high expectations in this department. So it’s hard to come to terms with my stupidity and dumbness, very hard. I am still attempting to accept them.
I know once I accept them, it’ll be fine because I won’t have to help anyone anymore because I do not have the capabilities to do so. And to those who ask me to do anything, I can just say I don’t know how to because I’m dumb and everything is a bloody rocket science to me.
I don’t want to be calculative, but when I feel used, exploited and unappreciated, the calculative mentality kicks off on its own. I am not a shrewd person and calculation has always been my weakest subject. Some might call it selfishness, and that I’m doing what I’m doing to gain reward, the reward of someone showing some gratitude. If not reward, a business transaction, I give, you take and you too must give, for me to take. Giving and giving is just exhausting … how much do I owe you that I have to keep repaying and repaying? I am up to my wits ends.
Perhaps this heart is not ready to be magnanimous. It’s hard to be magnanimous, forgiving and grateful to someone who consistently chides and orders me around. There’s obviously some form of attachment here and thank you for letting me see that. To see that perhaps throwing in the towel is the best option because no matter what I do, you will always see the speck in my eye, but never the plank in your own eye.
I have given all I am able to give. I am not worthy of your presence, your sire. A failure through and through in everything I do, so do not ask me to do anything. I do not seek revenge… because I am not capable of revenge. Karma will deal with that and if it doesn’t, I guess I deserve all that I get.