Sleep is difficult and anxiety is high. Watching the door closing is bringing on a whole lot of nervousness as negative thoughts swirl in my mind. Business is waning. Although I said I wanted to give this part of my life up because of tiredness, the actual event of it happening is disturbing, nonetheless. Since when have my words been so efficacious ?
This door is closing and no other door has appeared. The craving for everything to maintain status quo, to survive, amid this wanted but still unaccepted change, is taking a toll on my psyche.
Right now, I think and feel I’m way below and under every single person on this planet. Failure seems to follow me wherever I go. I don’t want to care but yet, I can’t help but care that I’m a failure. I do not understand why after all these years, I am still unable to accept that I am a failure as evidences of failure have surfaced again and again. This ego is murdering me, at a turtle’s pace. It’s not a life and death situation and it is ruffling my feathers big time. What will happen when ultimately, I have to face death of those closest to me or myself?
What should I do? What can I possibly do ? Attempt to reopen this door again and save the waning business ? If it is dying naturally, surely this is the end of the road for me. Perhaps a new path, a new door, would appear when this road, this door, totally disappears. Hope is what I need now. Hope is what everyone needs now. Hope that this could be good, instead of bad. Hope that there are better and more fulfilling ways to earn a living. Hope that, perhaps, it is time I am able to embark on what I have dreamt of doing, but was not able to do.
As Ajahn Brahm has said, be hopey. Good ? Bad ? Who knows ?
Why is it so easy to see the stars in the dark sky, but yet, so difficult to see the light in the dark life ?
Find the light……