I’m late. The whole world was talking about Robin William’s suicide when it happened. I’m late, I know. Everyone had their angle as to why he did it, but did the world care before he committed the act ? Human beings are, by nature, self-centred. If he was in financial trouble, where were his friends and families ? Friends being stars and all, couldn’t they be of help? If it’s because of finances, then it is sad to see that help was not extended. As the saying goes, if money can’t solve your problem, it’s a big problem.
There’s never a single reason that pushes one to take that route. It’s like life forces you to take that route by pushing you into a corner and shouts at you to stay in the corner. The pressure is astounding. Watching your life, your business, your body wane is a tremendously difficult thing to do, especially when you had been a big star. I was never a star, I have never tasted success, yet I have a feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness when the students I am attempting to teach, would rather talk and shout to each other than listen to me. I question myself on why, in every single thing I do, the end result is never ideal, never successful. I am so sick of failing. Stuck in a loophole of failures, disappointments and nonchalance from others, I am constantly at a loss.
Vincent Van Gough probably had that feeling too. It must have been excruciatingly painful for him to see his paintings pile up because nobody wanted them. Despite that fact, he continued to paint and paint and paint until he could take it no more. People just did not recognise the talent in him. He must have thought himself a failure and all things negative to make that choice. Had he been alive and died of old age instead, would more people have appreciated his work of art more ? Some might think so. Had he held on for a little longer, had he persevered, he would have succeeded. What could have made him hold on a little longer ? What could have Robin Williams have done avoid that self destructive path ? We’re talking about that crucial moment when you decide to step on the path of no return. What would make one hesitate and think twice about that decision they are making ? What can other people do ? What can you do as
an individual to stop yourself?
Everyone tells you that death is not a solution to your problems, but no one tells you the solutions to your problems. Perhaps we should stop saying that and start offering solutions. Don’t say what isn’t a solution, say what the solutions are.
I’m tired too. Tired of having to go against the current, against the social expectations, against my own expectations, against every damn thing that is thrown in the path of my life. If I just let go and flow with life, do what others tell me to do, go where they tell me to go, I may seem like a useless doormat, an obedient idiot. I’m afraid of how others view me. Yes, still looking at myself from the perspective of others …. tsk tsk. If I rebel and do what I want to do rather than do what others want me to do, I know I’ll meet with a greater force because I’ve tried that.
Life has turned into a current that I have to swim against. I’m supposed to have developed a stronger body and mind, but where the heck is it ? Better, bigger and stronger. Where is it ? Where is the strength of the heart ? Is it still in the midst of development ? After all these years? Do you feel your heart or mind getting stronger ?