It all started with being called a degrading name and then being shouted and threatened over the phone. This was not the first time. Thereafter, I couldn’t let go. I felt negative, horrible and sick in the stomach. Incidents that follow just serve to support the label that was placed on me ; useless (to put it nicely, the energy spewing out with the vocab equivalent bad, though not as bad as ‘I will DESTROY you)
I hung on to that ‘being wronged’ negative emotion like it was life or death. Despite all that I have done, at the end of the day, I’m useless and blamed for all the wrongs and mistakes in that person’s life. Every obstacle I faced, every one that stayed in my way, every traffic light that turned red (in fact they all turned red just when I reached the lights, like they did it on purpose), every person who didn’t listen to me, every single damn thing that stopped me from getting what I wanted confirmed that person’s opinion of me.
Hence, today, I made another mistake yet again. I gave a wrong advice and for the entire day, I felt increasingly guilty and the anxiety and panic attacks got worse as the day went by. As of now, there’s no sign of it receding. I can’t believe how stupid I was in giving advice. I can literally hear and imagine that person taunting and criticizing me in front of the person I advised. Oh boy….
I keep making mistakes after mistakes. Nothing I have done is right, nothing I do is right. And though as much as I hate to admit it, at the back of my head, all evidences are gathering to confirm, I am indeed USELESS. I am even beginning to think that this person has placed a curse on me and is consistently cursing me, making sure that he is destroying me. The energy behind the words are malicious and fatal.
The heart is palpitating, the head is light, the shoulders are cramped and the breath is pretty short. What am I going to do ? The mistake’s been made and yet I can’t help but worry and brood over a dumb mistake I made. It’s torturing and painful and tiring.