Monday Blues. First thing today a customer, via his secretary, expressed his intention to leave. I literally felt myself sink. Every time a customer leaves, I go though the same emotions, fear, dejection, more fear and more dejection. It feels like the end of the world, the end of everything, I’m a loser and a failure. Then my world starts to spin and i get sick in the stomach.
Of course it’s my fault therefore, I totally deserve this. But then there are others where I’ve tried my best, it seemed to be going well and yet they still leave. You just can’t please every single one of them. And so, I am on an emotional roller coaster ride every day which is not doing me any good. Worries, worries and worries as indeed my survival is totally dependent on them. Because of this very fact, I feel very much threatened when they leave. By becoming overly reliant and obsessed with certain people, just because they are the very core of your survival is tough.
And so I had to listen to this talk by Ajahn Brahm ‘Good? Bad? Who knows.’
I’ve already thought myself to be a loser and failure, would another failure make me more of a failure than before ? Why does another failure on top of strings of flops make me feel worse ? That’s totally ridiculous, I should have expected failures and been immune to them a long time ago. Obviously, somewhere inside me, still thinks of being a success. Perhaps it’s the ego. Despite innumerable whacks, it still insists on being inflated. WTF! This guy just does not go down ! !
I have to constantly remind myself that when something happens, it is not necessarily bad. Just because something doesn’t happen to expectation, we label it bad. However, burdens may be lifted when someone leaves. Being delayed could save your life. Being sick could signal a change in thoughts and attitude. Though I do not know the purpose of what is happening to me, I presume the understanding of this lesson would appear later, when the bigger picture can be seen. It is certainly not the end of the world. Always remind yourself ; Good ? Bad ? Who knows ? Even when you die, it’s only the end of this world as you know it. You just enter into another world after death. Would this step reinflate the ego though ?
Take a step and change your perspective.