Everything is a test
To see what you will do.
If you fail to recognize what is before you,
You will have to start anew!
——————————————————————————Master Hsuan Hua
The test came yesterday. Again, I’ve failed to recognize what was before me because emotionally I reacted, though I had tried my best to fight back the tears and emotions.
A dinner gathering was decided in a Japanese restaurant. Everybody changed into long pants as we were going to meet up with a relative of significant social status. I couldn’t as I had nothing to change into. In T-shirt, shorts and slippers, I felt extremely awkward and out of place. I was embarrassed and didn’t want to go. A relative proceeded to point out this fact that I was in shorts and kept poking me literally and figuratively about how inappropriate it was for me to be dressed like that. The more he poked me, the more annoyed I became and the more he spoke about it, the more tears welled up in my eyes. Though no tears fell, but it was way obvious that I was…..crying. I hated myself for being so weak, for being unable to handle other people’s attack, provocation and teasing. I hated myself for being useless. I hated myself. I fought hard to control my emotions.
Still, I was forced to attend the dinner. When I arrived, I was definitely self-conscious. But whilst walking to the restaurant, I noticed that most people in the shopping mall were dressed in T-shirt, shorts and slippers too ! Why did I make a big deal out of this trivial matter ? I remain very self- conscious of my image and what others think about me. I had no Samadhi at all. The mind moved with every word said. And hence, I must thank the relative who poked and provoked me for he had helped me realise that I have to continue to build up on my Samadhi. Without him and the circumstance, I would have thought I had made some progress.
This is what I must do – to start training my mind to be still, to be in Samadhi – before the next test emerges.
December Project ; Stilling the Mind