I thought with the beginning of goat year, things would change, specifically, my luck would change. Well, there doesn’t seem to be any changes in the luck department, just a change in the body department. I wish my luck has expanded instead of my rear. According to the masters, tigers are supposed to experience excellent luck in the goat year, stars in all departments are lighted up fully but it is not evident in my life. If you’re a tiger, maybe you can share whether you have been touched by the lucky stars yet ? The first day of Chinese New Year, I encountered an annoying cab driver (the only time they are not annoying is when you’re their passenger, even then, it’s only a minority). I stopped by the side of the road to drop off my passenger, and he drove up right behind me. I had wanted to park my car to the left to let him pass, but my passenger was just in front of my car so I signaled him to wait. Still, after requesting for him to wait, he honked me. I couldn’t and can’t understand why he still had to honk me after requesting him to wait. I reacted. I gave him the finger before I moved to part to the left. He moved forward, stopped, looked, stabbed his hands in the air at me. I stabbed back. We were both jabbing and stabbing in the air at each other. I think he got fed up and went off, but after 50 metres or so, he made one round and turned back, only to park beside me, told my passenger I’m a crazy woman and walked off. So if he had intended to park there in the first place, he could have, there were plenty of parking space. He could have wanted to whack me but then he saw my passenger, he changed his mind, not that my passenger was a muscular dude. But it could be the power of 2?
The second day of the goat year was fairly okay. The day passed with just small little obstacles. I am thankful.
The third day of the goat year was actually good. I managed to have some small winnings at the family gambling table and I thought, finally, this is the change I’ve been waiting for. That night, I was excited at the prospects of the rest of the year. 20 years of downfall and shit had finally ended. I dreamed of having lots of money in my wallet. However, the money turned out to be hell money and I dreamed of my karmic debtor as well.
I woke up and didn’t think much of the dream I had. The day was okay, until I hit the gambling table again. Of course I was thinking I was going to make a killing. Instead, I got kinda slaughtered. So maybe the dream was a premonition. It’s embarrassing to have bad luck at the table with all my relatives watching, I kinda feel them judging and comparing. Oh you useless one, you have no brains, no looks, no earnings, no skills, no talents, no abilities, no people skills, no anything and no luck. You’re really the pits. Of course, there were inquires into my life and my paltry earnings during the game. Why talk about my life when I am the one leading the worse life there ? Why ? What was the purpose of that ? Was that pity ? Was that concern ? What was that ? I definitely felt small to begin with and at the end I felt minute. I spent the rest of the day, wanting to cry and wanting to fight back my tears in my room.
Today is the fifth day of the goat year. My mood improved. When the tea lady arrived, I was the second person there, waiting to get my coffee. People who arrived after me all got their coffee before me and I stood there waiting, like a third class citizen for my coffee. Everyone else gave the tea lady red packets so they got their cuppa, even the one who didn’t give her any red packet but was the same race with her got his cuppa before me though he arrived later than me. I am not trying to make this into a racial issue but this is kinda jutting out into my eye. Why am I being treated like a third class citizen ? Of course I reacted. I told her straight off about the unfairness that was happening. In the end, she did deliver a cuppa to me, but I refused to drink it. Later she apologized saying that she wasn’t aware that, that was happening because everyone who was giving her red packets was taking away her attention, therefore, she gave them their cuppa first. Then what about the one who wasn’t calling her attention, who didn’t give her any red packets, but still got his cuppa before me ? As much as I didn’t want to, I accepted her apology and drank the cuppa. Trouble is, every time I blow my top, express my dissatisfaction or complain at being treated unfairly, other people act as if I am in the wrong in doing so and that I am petty and calculative. They show me the kind of look disgusted look when I demand to be treated fairly. Don’t I deserve to be treated fairly even when I am considered a nobody, a useless nobody ? Nobody understands that when I blow up, this is not the first time that this is happening and I have been stomaching it for a while. After this bad treatment, I received three red packets, but one was torn at the back. Another downer.
I have, throughout the year, tried my very best to treat other people in the nicest and polite way possible, except for one person and I do have grave regrets whenever I can’t control myself. Perhaps I have offended many people though I had not intended to or wanted to, that is why I am receiving this kind of treatment. As you can see, there have been some good and some bad during these past few days, but the bad appears to take more weight than the good. It’s obvious that the bad feeling that came up is a lot more evident than the good. All I can see, are the bad. The good is but a speck of dust. How do I conjure up the feeling of good when the people around me are pushing the buttons of feeling of bad ?