Recently, the pressure has been mounting. What I want to do has been faced with obstructions either by a person blocking or a person MIA. Where ever I drive, there’s always cars cutting into my lane, there’s always that big oaf lorry in front of my car, slowing me down. Where I am at, there’s always people telling me to do this, do that. I’ve been especially clumsy and forgetful, costing myself money and time. I am feeling opposing forces in my life wanting to sink me but not wanting to kill me. Just so that I suffer, suffer and suffer. It’s like colliding into a brick wall, again and again.
At this point, you’d probably be shaking me by my shoulders and yelling at me to wake up and stop blaming all these so called forces. “It’s you and you and you, all your fault. Nobody but yours ! Take the responsibility. Go round the bloody brick wall!’ Trouble is when I try to go around the brick wall, it grows and extends itself preventing me from ever being able to see the end to go round or be able to jump over. Frustrated, demotivated, tired, anger accompany all the time.
What am I to do ? What can I possibly do but to recoil and shed tears of anger and pitiness at myself, I hate myself for being useless, powerless and penniless. Why doesn’t the less stick itself to debt so that I’d be debtless, now THAT would definitely turn things around. Instead the ‘less’ are stuck on the positive factors and the ‘ful’ are stuck of negative factors. To be able to truly trust that this, is not a bad thing, the fact that I cannot do what I want to do, is not a bad thing but a good thing, is tough. To be able to let go and trust that the higher forces are in fact not against you, but for you is, I guess, what I must learn to do and that is the lesson I have to learn. Go with the flow. Drink some tea.
Is it completely bad ? There are some people who treat me well, treat me fairly and these are the people who are the sparks in the darkness I see. Thank you. I have shelter, food , water, clothing, air, health, sight, legs, arms, hearing, transport. Thank you. My parents are able to take care of themselves. Thank you. I still have my mentality, logic and thoughts though they feel quite weak. Thank you. I have to constantly and consistently remind myself of the little good things to not be overwhelmed by the pressures of the negatives. How do you find and focus consistently on the positives when all you immediately see are negatives ?