The dark just gets darker

2 weeks ago, the worst birthday. My car broke down and I panicked and that was the beginning of the spiral. It cost a bomb to fix, which could have cost a lot less had I been smart about it and not panicked.

Feeling down and lost, I shared my problem with him. He who gave me a lift promised to pick me up later that day to send me to another destination. That night he arrived to pick me up, but prior to his arrival he had called several times which I had missed.  Upon getting into his car he chastised me. There and then, I knew asking him for help was a mistake. I clammed up during the journey until I had to give him directions. Throughout the journey I could feel him rushing to get me there as if he was late for an appointment. The directions I gave were vague and imprecise. It was improper to ask him to look out for a signboard as it was raining. So he blew up and I could no longer hold it in me. I regretted asking him for help. I was just thinking the so many times when he asked me for help and I even sacrificed my job hours to help him ( no work hours, no pay). That day, he blew up at me just like that.

The heated exchange was unbearable and just before we arrived he made a dramatic u-turn telling me he was going to send me home. I opened the door, the next thing I knew was that I was on the road, on my back. It happened so fast. I got up and heard him shout, “You’re a disaster!”  I walked across the road to continue to my destination . I couldn’t believe this was happening on my birthday ! Did he care that I had a really bad day? Or was my day bad but not bad enough for him? He just had to make it the worst? So I walked away and he u-turned his car to pick me up again to send me to my destination. If it wasn’t raining he wouldn’t have done that. For I’ll be all wet from walking in the rain and the people I would see would question me why I was all wet.

Later, he rang numerous times which I missed as well. When I returned his call, he caringly asked me if I was ok. It surprised me. However, after I said I was ok, he started his scolding again. I put the phone down on him.

I didn’t feel any pain until 2 days later. My elbows were seriously bruised and I couldn’t stand on one leg for long. I couldn’t sit in a certain position either  I must have hurt my back when I was thrown out onto the road.  I wondered why I didn’t die that day. It could have been a better ending.

Today, the bruises have healed, but I still have problems with my back. People who heard about my car told me I’ve been cheated and it’s my fault. Thus, the pain continues and I continue to think I should have died 2 weeks ago.

I thought things would get better. It’s dark before dawn so they say. I thought being in the dark for 20 years would mean I would finally see the dawn. It just got darker.

 

 

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2 responses to “The dark just gets darker

  1. Narcissists and psychopaths have contempt for their partner and for women in general (if it is a male narcissist) There will never be any love from him.

    During the beginning they fool you into thinking they love you , which is the Idealization phase. Then the devaluation phase comes and they usually set up their next victim before dumping you in the cruelest of ways.

    If they do not abandon you and leave you psychologically traumatized then they might beat you worse each time as the abuse escalates.

    Narcissists feel entitled to demand anything and everything from you and they will change the rules just to see you struggle not to break them.

    I have videos on my YouTube channel that might help you. You can connect to the channel here
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJw1QUDzb59PbWTcnGjGJ7g/videos

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