Someone….

Have you found a person who would be with you, despite your negativity, your problems, your depression ? Doesn’t necessarily have to be a partner, just someone….

Recently, someone asked me why everything comes out of my mouth is so negative. Even when I apologise to that person for a mistake I had made, my tone was deemed unapologetic and my reply of it being my first time having done that mistake was just an excuse. She had been very tolerable of me. Living under the roof of another and receiving help from others does not entitle me to having opinions nor does it entitle me to making my own choices.

I have not found someone who would offer me their unabating company and friendship, even though I’m dwelling in my negativity and sadness. I do not know anyone who I would confidently guess, ‘Yes, no matter what I tell the other person, they would accept me for who I am, as I am and no judgement of me would prevail and they would still accept and love me for who I am’.

People, I guess, only want to listen to good stuff, to see you smile, to feel your ‘positivity’. Even if I can’t offer it, I have to ‘pretend’ to exude it. Maybe that explains why I read that many people wonder why someone they saw who was smiling and happy would commit suicide just like that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find you. Whoever you are and wherever you are, keep being a rock for that someone who is suffering. Don’t let the smile deceive you.

Yes, i’m still stuck on the journey towards positivity.