I felt increasing weak today. It was as if my energy was being sucked away. Still, I managed a walk to run an errand. But after that, whilst in the car, I found myself shedding tears of sadness and pity. All sorts of negative thoughts ran after another. How am I going to pay off the person I owe ? I simply do not have enough. How … how …. how. There are too many creditors. Why am I such a hopeless case ? Why can’t I be independent ? Why do I have to rely on others ? The hundred and one whys and thousand and one self-deprecating comments swirled in my mind.
The crying stopped, but the general weakness prevailed. What is this ? The depression ? The blues ? Some mornings I wake up surprised that I still woke up. I wished I didn’t wake up. I contemplated giving all I have to some creditors and leaving. Still thinking about it for I’ve not thrown away all my stuff. These thoughts have been on my mind for quite a long time. Sometimes, I successfully distract my mind, so that they no longer dominate that space in me. Sometimes. Today is not that sometime.
Living under the roof of others, is difficult. Perhaps I will be branded ungrateful. Still, it is neither easy nor at ease. Here we go again. That endless loop of why I am so pathetic, so dependent, so weak, so useless, so unsuccessful, so damn wrong all the time.
Where do I go from here ? Will I be able to sleep it off? I’ve put off working on that chapter on ‘FAITH’ in ‘A search for God’ for about a month now. I have a lot of problems with this topic. Try and try as I might, I can’t seem to bring forth that faith.
Help me….. I am asking…. I am knocking…
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