FEAR

Why do people feel fear ? Fear is supposed to be good because it serves as a warning, so that you are able to protect yourself from all sorts. However, an abundance of fear is something I really don’t need but I have. I wish I had an abundance of money rather than fear.

I fear throwing stuff away for I may need them in the future, or I seem to be wasting perfectly usable items, eventhough I’m not using them. I fear making investments as they could result in losses. And when I eventually decide that I should and must, try to invest. if I were to try to lighten the debt that had been placed on my shoulders, the investment goes down after I bought in. I fear meeting people. I fear socialising with people for they will end up asking questions which I do not wish to answer. I fear speaking with people for the same reason. There are just so many questions….
I could go on and on about the fears I feel. It’s just so tiring. Fear is tiring. At times I have trouble breathing.

How do I manage fear ? How ?

Probably one of the very few times that I’m free of fear is when I’m watching drama or playing games. Does that mean I should constantly spend my time watching tv and playing games ?

Do prayers help ? Sometimes.

I do not know why but lately every single decision I made has turned out rather poorly. That, truly feeds the fear I already have. I feel I’m spiralling down. How do I break that chain? Could it be my lack of prayers ? I’m finding less and less motivation and strength for prayers. Could it be my fear itself ? Maybe I need to go through ‘A Search for God’ and be mindful of what I do. Maybe.

I keep thinking of jumping out of the window too. Is it the covid situation that’s causing all this ? Only because of the economic implications caused by covid.

In a week, it’ll be 4 years since you have passed. I feel ashamed that I’ve not yet solved the problems I’m enmeshed in. I thought myself to be stronger, smarter, better. I’m sad. I’m down. I’m depressed. Where are you ? Have you solved the problems you were facing ? Are you better off now than before ? I hope you’re happier than you were.